I'm doing the most therapeutically ironic thing that seems to be right today: writing about social media while cross posting it on social media.
Sounds about right for a first post in over a month, don't you think?
While I have not been here writing about the day to day, advocating for truth in agriculture and sharing my thoughts and opinions on basically everything under the sun, I have been writing. Sure, it's been a lot more technical, agenda-ish, presentation and health and well-being related, but I have been filling my communication void.
And friends, I just want to update you on something: I love my new job. The end.
However, there are days that I wish I could spend hours explaining myself. Explaining what I do, why I do it, why my work is valuable, and how I do it with all these kids around.
Because that's what social media in the past year has done to me: wanted to make me explain myself. Well, maybe not just in the past year, because that was the sole purpose of the start of this blog, right?
As my relationship with social media has matured, my reaction to it in general has not. I have allowed outside influences, your wins, your vacations and jobs and #makingmemories cloud the truly awesome things that have unfolded in my life.
Why is that?
Why have I allowed outside influences make me feel less about what I do, who I do it for, and basically everything else I do (or don't do) as a mother, friend, wife, eater, exerciser, professional, whatever? While I'm a typically confident person, why do I feel "less than" while seeing people, truly from afar?
While my confidence is a result of both nature and nurture, being raised to know who I am and find value from multiple sources lately, social media has tainted that belief instilled in my fabric. I think that our society and its reaction to relationships has led us in a direction that is moving to viewing from afar and commenting in your face. Through this shift, I have especially become less immune to feeling inferior. It is something that I have always battled, and I don't need to go into detail because when I do, it's DANGED embarrassing at the cushy "problems" I have perceived as hard in my relatively content life. So why am I STILL, at 39 (I had a birthday last week, and it was lovely, albeit not documented via Instagram...I know-How would you ALL know I had a birthday then???), sit on a Saturday morning, kids playing kindly in the background, one daughter off to a track meet, one son feeling better from strep throat, in my nice (not magazine perfect) house, sipping coffee and yet still feeling inferior?
You know why?
Quick answer: my own crazy.
Outside influence: social media.
As I sat having a nice breakfast, alone because my kids had finished and cleaned up their own mess ( shall I hashtag #momwin or #awesomekids ?), I started to feel inferior. I was scrolling through Facebook. As I scrolled, I noticed runners completing training runs, crafters doing awesome things, houses filled with kids from a birthday party, vacation goers squinting and smiling in the sun. I felt that icky, "Why aren't you there? Why aren't you doing something like that, Emily?" feeling. I hate to admit this, as it is absolutely ridiculous.
Someone's win is not my failure.
Social media for a person like me is a hard balance. I hide a lot. I hide behind filters on Instagram, funny posts, and then I hide people who I can't enjoy their successes in a way that is anything but a result of my own crazy.
Am I the only one around here who feels this way?
This is hard to write, but in the wake of this past election and all the "I'm no longer friends with you because I can't agree with you" posts I saw, I found myself rolling my eyes. However, I'm just as bad. I find myself comparing, contrasting, considering and contemplating WAYYYYYY too much about things that, if I were otherwise absent from social media, I would not even know or know to care about. Yet last night, first thing Josie wanted to do after her play audition was take a selfie.
What have I shown as value to my people?
Evidently it is outside approval, and that made me feel just plain silly.
So. Where do I go from here?
I'm not making a sweeping generalization that all social media is bad. I truly believe in the power of this medium for writers like me, women like me, parents to document their kids' lives and successes, and YET, and YET...I have to be careful what my little eyes see.
Remember that song from Sunday School?
"Be careful little eyes what you see. Oh be careful little eyes what you see. For the Father up above is looking down with love, oh be careful little eyes what you see."
Irony: I found out-on Facebook-that Myra, our lovely Sunday School music director, died. That's using social media for good, right?
I never want to be one of those Debbie Downer post sharers. While "keeping it real" is imporant, I do love a good filter, and will continue to do so (did I mention I just turned 39? #filterworthy). I want to rejoice in your blessings. I want to love and like and laugh at your funny quips. I just want to also stop comparing. Stop considering other's win as my inadequacy.
So, let's charge forward, shall we? Anybody?
Let me go first:
I'm going to be careful with what my little eyes see.
Human nature is shifting. We are seeking out "likes" and filtering our life and "curating" the CRAP out of everything. So I'm going to remember, when I see something amazing on a less regular scroll (I'm going to do better at that, too.), that my life is still comparably awesome, and my eyes are to just see your awesome as simply that. Not a comparison, not a jab at my inadequacies, because, let's be real: we've all got 'em, just some are better at covering them up.
So. What does this mean? Will I post a picture of me in my Cattlemen's Association sweatshirt and crazy hair this morning?
Probably not. I said "be careful little eyes" and your eyes may burn from the sight of me in the morning. My posts will continue to reflect my life in honesty, but my REACTION to others' posts will be the big truth in my change.
I am training. (yes, I'm training for a run in June and will most likely share an "I finished!" post.) I'm training my reactions. Your successes are not my failures. My life is still happening. We are still #winning, just maybe at different races that what you're running...so to speak.
Thanks for keeping me accountable. I'm not sure how you'll do that, but if you see me around and I high-five you for no reason, it's because I'm being careful for my little eyes to see you in a new light.
One that is unfiltered.