Saturday, April 22, 2017

Be Careful Little Eyes What You See

Hey there.

I'm doing the most therapeutically ironic thing that seems to be right today: writing about social media while cross posting it on social media.

Sounds about right for a first post in over a month, don't you think?

While I have not been here writing about the day to day, advocating for truth in agriculture and sharing my thoughts and opinions on basically everything under the sun, I have been writing. Sure, it's been a lot more technical, agenda-ish, presentation and health and well-being related, but I have been filling my communication void.

And friends, I just want to update you on something: I love my new job. The end.

However, there are days that I wish I could spend hours explaining myself. Explaining what I do, why I do it, why my work is valuable, and how I do it with all these kids around.

Because that's what social media in the past year has done to me: wanted to make me explain myself. Well, maybe not just in the past year, because that was the sole purpose of the start of this blog, right?

But still.

As my relationship with social media has matured, my reaction to it in general has not. I have allowed outside influences, your wins, your vacations and jobs and #makingmemories cloud the truly awesome things that have unfolded in my life.

Why is that?
Why have I allowed outside influences make me feel less about what I do, who I do it for, and basically everything else I do (or don't do) as a mother, friend, wife, eater, exerciser, professional, whatever? While I'm a typically confident person, why do I feel "less than" while seeing people, truly from afar?

While my confidence is a result of both nature and nurture, being raised to know who I am and find value from multiple sources lately, social media has tainted that belief instilled in my fabric. I think that our society and its reaction to relationships has led us in a direction that is moving to viewing from afar and commenting in your face. Through this shift, I have especially become less immune to feeling inferior. It is something that I have always battled, and I don't need to go into detail because when I do, it's DANGED embarrassing at the cushy "problems" I have perceived as hard in my relatively content life. So why am I STILL, at 39 (I had a birthday last week, and it was lovely, albeit not documented via Instagram...I know-How would you ALL know I had a birthday then???), sit on a Saturday morning, kids playing kindly in the background, one daughter off to a track meet, one son feeling better from strep throat, in my nice (not magazine perfect) house, sipping coffee and yet still feeling inferior?

You know why?

Quick answer: my own crazy.

Outside influence: social media.

As I sat having a nice breakfast, alone because my kids had finished and cleaned up their own mess ( shall I hashtag #momwin or #awesomekids ?), I started to feel inferior. I was scrolling through Facebook. As I scrolled, I noticed runners completing training runs, crafters doing awesome things, houses filled with kids from a birthday party, vacation goers squinting and smiling in the sun. I felt that icky, "Why aren't you there? Why aren't you doing something like that, Emily?" feeling. I hate to admit this, as it is absolutely ridiculous.

Someone's win is not my failure.

Social media for a person like me is a hard balance. I hide a lot. I hide behind filters on Instagram, funny posts, and then I hide people who I can't enjoy their successes in a way that is anything but a result of my own crazy.

Am I the only one around here who feels this way?

This is hard to write, but in the wake of this past election and all the "I'm no longer friends with you because I can't agree with you" posts I saw, I found myself rolling my eyes. However, I'm just as bad. I find myself comparing, contrasting, considering and contemplating WAYYYYYY too much about things that, if I were otherwise absent from social media, I would not even know or know to care about. Yet last night, first thing Josie wanted to do after her play audition was take a selfie.

What have I shown as value to my people?

Evidently it is outside approval, and that made me feel just plain silly.

#momfail

So. Where do I go from here?

I'm not making a sweeping generalization that all social media is bad. I truly believe in the power of this medium for writers like me, women like me, parents to document their kids' lives and successes, and YET, and YET...I have to be careful what my little eyes see.

Remember that song from Sunday School?
"Be careful little eyes what you see. Oh be careful little eyes what you see. For the Father up above is looking down with love, oh be careful little eyes what you see."
Irony: I found out-on Facebook-that Myra, our lovely Sunday School music director, died. That's using social media for good, right?

I never want to be one of those Debbie Downer post sharers. While "keeping it real" is imporant, I do love a good filter, and will continue to do so (did I mention I just turned 39? #filterworthy). I want to rejoice in your blessings. I want to love and like and laugh at your funny quips. I just want to also stop comparing. Stop considering other's win as my inadequacy.

So, let's charge forward, shall we? Anybody?
Anybody?

Let me go first:

I'm going to be careful with what my little eyes see.

Human nature is shifting. We are seeking out "likes" and filtering our life and "curating" the CRAP out of everything. So I'm going to remember, when I see something amazing on a less regular scroll (I'm going to do better at that, too.), that my life is still comparably awesome, and my eyes are to just see your awesome as simply that. Not a comparison, not a jab at my inadequacies, because, let's be real: we've all got 'em, just some are better at covering them up.

So. What does this mean? Will I post a picture of me in my Cattlemen's Association sweatshirt and crazy hair this morning?

Probably not. I said "be careful little eyes" and your eyes may burn from the sight of me in the morning. My posts will continue to reflect my life in honesty, but my REACTION to others' posts will be the big truth in my change.

I am training. (yes, I'm training for a run in June and will most  likely share an "I finished!" post.) I'm training my reactions. Your successes are not my failures. My life is still happening. We are still #winning, just maybe at different races that what you're running...so to speak.

Thanks for keeping me accountable. I'm not sure how you'll do that, but if you see me around and I high-five you for no reason, it's because I'm being careful for my little eyes to see you in a new light.

One that is unfiltered.

#winning

Thursday, March 2, 2017

A Dozen Years

***Blogger's note: I seem to be writing a lot of birthday posts as of late. Maybe it's the sheer quantity of birthdays we have around here, or maybe it's because it's the one day in my family member's years that I truly focus on them. Either way, it's March 2, Anna's 12th birthday, and here's her letter from her mama.

March 2, 2017

Dear Anna,

You woke up this morning, super early like you always do. I heard you downstairs in the kitchen. I skipped my run because it's cold today, and I was glad to be here to greet you first thing. However, as I heard you rustling around in the kitchen, fixing your own breakfast, getting your morning in order, I just listened. I took a few of those early morning moments, quiet and dark, to remember what it was like when you were little.

Because now, you're 12.

When you were first born, you were it, my friend. You were the only. The only grandchild on my side. The only kid in this house. We were overwhelmed, but not by lack of sleep or just the general shock of having a baby. We were overwhelmed with this joy of having you. Your dad and I wanted to have a family, and once you were born, I had this sense that you made us complete.

Little did I know five other friends would complete the package, but being a mom, having a family, made me feel like my life was truly just beginning.

This morning as I stared at the ceiling, I thought of the way we dressed you up like a doll at first, worrying if you were too cold or too hot or too hungry or too wet. You always let us know.
I remembered when you would navigate our one little step down to our family room in our first house, just so that you could look out the patio doors and see what was going on. Always looking back to see if we were watching, but doing it by yourself.
You were and still are curious, precocious, and so independent. As a toddler, your favorite phrase was "all by MYYYYYYYself."

Okay, then.

While pouring milk at age three and climbing up a tall playground structure as a preschooler made this independence hard for me to swallow, now that you're 12, your independence have served you well. In school, in activities, in church: your independence and confidence shine through. Your ability to just get things done have made your role as the oldest in this tribe invaluable. You are a really, really good big sister because of it, and your helpfulness with your siblings is one that should be celebrated.

I want you to know this is something that we are so proud of. This is something not everyone has, and you are so amazing for it.

Even though you're 12, even though sixth grade is almost halfway through, and even though you have the ultimate in independence: A PHONE, we're still here. We still love you like that little one we brought home in a little pink hat. We still are here to encourage you like we did when you were taking your first steps at 10 months (why did we do THAT? ha!). We still love you and want you safe and secure like the little one we would tuck in at night, always making sure you had your two blankies. We will let you do your own thing, chart your own adventure, but we're here as a safety net. Remember when you didn't want me to walk you into preschool art when you were four, and then ended up crying at circle time because you missed me? I love that story.
This year, like that story, you marched into junior high without a single ounce of drama but you didn't cry at your locker when you first got there. You know that you've got this, but I also want you to know that Dad and I are always here in case you do feel like that little girl at circle time...because you will, here and there.

Life is going to give you great things, and it will be good and planned well and exciting. It will also be hard and sad and tricky and unfair. Remember that you're ready to weather whatever, but that Dad and I love you enough to know when you step in and help.

My sweet girl: these dozen years you have been on earth are ones that have been joy filled and fun and hard and sad and happy and exciting. Each of the 12 March 2nds we have celebrated have been days that I  step back and revel in the fact that I am your mom. We are so lucky to be your parents, lucky to have you as our kid.

In the next dozen years, you'll go through a lot, but for now, let's celebrate the fun. Let's eat Mexican and lemon cake and text funny GIFs to each other today. It's been a fast 12 years, so let's slow down today and celebrate you.

Anna Grace, your dad and I love you more than you will ever know. Thanks for being YOU.

Happy birthday, darling.

Love,
Mom

Monday, February 20, 2017

Double 21

Hey friends.

You know what will make a person feel somewhat older, wiser, and more jaded?

For me, it was taking Josie to her voice lesson on a college campus where the biggest problems in the music building seemed to be where one can get the least expensive Converse and how long they had to wolf down their burrito before class.

Insert eye rolls.

You know another way to make someone feel a little old?

Realize your age is 21 times TWO.

Yikes.

I'm not speaking of MY age, nonononononononono....It's Farmer Joe's birthday today! Whoohooo! Nothing says happy birthday like a new heated mattress pad and apple pie, amIright?

Well.

When you have had the mentally exhausting, draining, and strange year that Joe has weathered since last celebrating a birthday, you would be ecstatic with some normalcy.

In all seriousness, Joe has spent the weekend doing what he loves: working with the girls and their cattle.

Honestly, this guy could be in a barn with cows, calves, and all that goes with it for hours...days...months. It's truly his happy place. It's where he feels centered. It's a place where problems can be solved; long talks can be had; benefits of hard work and patience can be reaped.

This is a perfect spot for Joe right now. You see, it's been a rough almost year. We have transitioned again from the operation in which Joe was on staff. Nothing huge, but being a person who is 42 and not 21, Joe knew that when the situation was not sitting well with his core values, his time, and his talents, he knew to hold his head high and get out.

Again, don't get me wrong. Lots and lots of moments of panic were had (mostly by me). Lots of what ifs and no ways and what the hecks were spoken (again, mainly by me), but in the very long run, this is a good transition. There's a big, bright light at the end of the tunnel of age 41, and as Joe turns over to 42 today, we are emerging from the tunnel.

I'm thankful to be Joe's wife. Thankful for his 42 years. Thankful that we are growing kids and cattle out here. Thankful for the rough patches that make us appreciate all the good and normal that is involved in our life.

Happy birthday, Farmer Joe. Here's to doubling 21! Love you.